Taking the Next Steps After Meditation, Part 1: Who I Spend Time with Makes a Difference

 

 

                Mindfulness sitting meditation is a basic and crucial practice. It pulls us out of the thought stream in which we often become lost and it trains the mind to notice what is going on in the present moment—both externally and, more importantly, internally.  When we see what is going on more clearly, we begin to see how we are creating suffering in our lives and the lives of others.  Once we see this, the process of responding to life in a wiser way has begun. 

                To reduce this suffering more dramatically, we need to expand our tool box to include other forms of practice, and it’s very common that people with a regular vipassana meditation practice never do this. Their entire approach is focused on calming the mind.  The Buddha’s entire body of teachings is focused on producing personal transformation—a comprehensive program for profoundly changing ourselves at the deepest level.  This needs to involve more than sitting meditation practice.

                People often want to meditate but keep living the same way they have always lived when “off the cushion,” but then somehow expect that the meditation practice will make them happy and at peace.  It doesn’t seem to work that way. 

                An analogy with healing the body is useful here.   I’ve known a number of people who have asked for advice regarding physical therapy for one ailment or another.  I show them how to do a beneficial exercise or stretch, but also explain to them that the practice that they have just learned is not some “magic pill.”  In addition, they need to identify the ways they are abusing their bodies that are the underlying cause of their ailment in the first place.  Then real healing can take place.

                Their physical therapy may give them a little bit of symptom relief, but it isn’t going to do them much good unless they also change their self-abusive behavior.  In a similar fashion, if you don’t change the things that are causing the suffering in your life, you will receive only very limited benefits from your meditation practice.

                The Buddha’s course of therapy for transforming your life is very comprehensive and includes many other things besides meditation.  Four things in particular that are taught are: working with your relationships with other people, changing your conduct, changing your relationship with work, and changing your speech as a tool for changing yourself.

                  Being selective in who we choose to spend time with strongly impacts our evolution toward wisdom.  In Buddhism, this is called mindful association, and the Buddha taught this as a sort of preliminary to the 8-fold path.

                The Buddha recognized that the people we choose to associate with in life will have a profound impact on our ability to successfully change ourselves.  The teachings on this subject have traditionally gone under the name of Right Association, but I prefer the term Mindful Association for our purposes here.  Put simply, our choices of who to associate with can either make it much easier to succeed at changing ourselves or much harder.   

                The Buddha pointed out that nothing teaches or inspires the will to learn and change like a real-life example of people who have already successfully made the changes that we want to make for ourselves.   Mindful Association is a powerful tool to facilitate change for at least three reasons.

                First, a living example of what I want to become shows me that living this way is possible.  If someone else has already done it, or is doing it, then clearly it is possible.  If I want to get off junk food and consistently eat a healthy diet, I have a living example of what I want for myself right in front of me.  Having someone show me that it is possible is very different from reading or hearing about it in words.

                Second, a living example provides me with a constant illustration of how to live this way.  So spending time with people who are presently eating healthy shows me how to shop for good food, how to prepare it, how to handle things when I eat at someone else’s home or a restaurant, and so on.

                Third, a real-life example shows me the benefits to be derived from living this way.  My new friends who are eating healthy foods rarely get sick, are strong, have lots of energy, they’re calm, their skin looks good, and they enjoy their food and their lives.  This is very inspiring and motivating stuff!. 

                Likewise, if I am a college student and trying to get an education and my roommate has no interest in school and even thinks it’s a waste of time, it will be much harder for me to benefit from being in school.  Finding a roommate who is really committed to school and regularly attends classes, studies, and puts care and attention into schoolwork will make it much easier for me to succeed in school.

                I share the following personal story to illustrate the consequences of not paying enough attention to mindful association. When I was in my 30’s, I lived with a life partner Simone(fictitious name) for 10 years who was not at all growth oriented and just wanted to sort of “drift” with life and “settle” for doing what was safe and easy but not meaningful or something she felt passionate about.  For me, personal growth was hugely important.  I wanted to find my calling in life, rid myself of false beliefs and confining cultural expectations and make my deepest values real and manifesting in my life. 

                Though Simone was a decent person and we enjoyed each other’s company, being with Simone made it harder to do this by putting me in the presence of someone who thought doing this was impossible or required too much effort to make it worthwhile.   What would have really helped me instead would have been someone who shared my passions in life and was not afraid to do something about it.  After we separated, I met Sandy (non-fictitious name), my partner for the last 36 years. 

                Sandy was constantly bringing home books from the library that opened up our eyes to better see the truth about the world.  She helped me to see that my large house and mortgage payment were a burden to me.  Because of her, I adopted a lifestyle of low consumption (voluntary simplicity) which made me less dependent on paid employment and also supported my deep concern about environmental damage and preventing scarcity-driven wars. 

                We relocated to a forested area thousand miles away (I always wanted to live in the country).  We quit our jobs and moved to a place where we did not know a single person.  Sandy was an inspiration that helped me take a huge leap into the unknown.   We worked less at paid employment, and made new friends.  We learned building skills as we went and built our own small energy efficient house (no more mortgage payments!), and began growing our own healthy organic food to eat—all things that resonated deeply with my core ethical values.  Sandy provided me with 1) a living example that this way of life is possible and 2) an example of how to go about making it real and 3) a clear vision of the benefits to me and the world that came from living this way.      

       Showing someone something is so much more powerful than words—than merely hearing or reading about it (though this has its place, too).  Thich Nhat Hanh calls this substance teaching---being in the presence of someone who has some quality that you want for yourself.

                Part of using the principles of mindful association is the recognition that it will also help to minimize the time spent with people who have harmful habits.  These habits will make it more difficult to maintain my commitment to changing myself.  This is especially true when first getting started with the process of personal change.

                Some years ago I was in a Buddhist study and discussion group.  One of the members said during a meeting that “None of us is ever going to change or get anywhere with these Buddhist practices.”  Several other members agreed with this.  I knew right then that this was not a group for me.

                Lessening contact with someone does not mean that it is necessary to rudely tell old associates to go away—I can simply tell them that I am trying to make some specific changes in my life and that, for a while, at least, I want to be spending most of my time with people who have already successfully made these changes.  If they are really my friends, they will support me in my efforts to change.  Later, when my new habits are strongly established, I may be able to spend more time with people who are still choosing to participate in harmful habits—I might even be able to be a positive Mindful Association influence for them and ultimately help them to be successful at change also.

 

Next post:  “Taking the Next Steps After Meditation, Part 2:  Using Mindful Speech as a Tool for Personal Change.”

 

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