Dealing with a Loss

 

 

Loss is a part of life, and loss comes in many forms:  loss in an important election, loss of a job, loss of a loved one, loss of youthfulness, loss of health…  How do Buddhist teachings help us to not be overwhelmed and help us make our peace with losses?  This is on my mind today because of my recent experience of a shocking loss in the social order in this country.

Thich Nhat Hanh once said that “The hardest part of my practice is not falling into despair.”  When we look at the state of the world, I suspect that this is true for many of us.  But there are things we can do.  The first thing I did in this most recent loss was to say to myself:  “It is very important that I be completely determined to not let this event color everything  in my life and take the joy out of living.”  We have a choice here and there are practices that can help us.  The Dali Lama was once asked how he could be happy in face of the fact that the Chinese had murdered tens of thousands of Tibetans, destroyed countless Buddhist temples, and taken over the whole country.  He said, “They’ve taken nearly everything from us—should I give them my peace of mind, too?”

We can also recognize that our suffering about what has happened, and complaining endlessly about it, simply does not help.  It does not help to change what is wrong with the world, and it certainly does not help the quality of our lives to be doing this.  And suffering, complaining, and catastrophizing uses up enormous amounts of energy that could be put into actually doing something to improve things.  Taking positive action not only helps improve things, it also helps us to feel better. We need to do the things we actually can do and accept and let go of things we have no control over.

Total acceptance of what has happened and the reality of this moment is crucial. When I rail against other people or the universe (“How can this have happened?  Things shouldn’t be this way, this is totally unfair.”) this is mentally resisting and denying what is real in this moment.  If I don’t want to suffer, I need to accept things as though I had wished for them.  If I say, “I accept it, but I hate it,” this is not true acceptance.  I can practice acceptance by saying “Yes” to the present moment (“I say yes to the fact that the country is not under the leadership that I think is best”).

I can also say silently to myself “Is there any problem in the present moment?”  When I remember to do this, I almost always find that the answer is “Well, no.  I have my health, meaningful connections with other people, adequate food, shelter, and heat, I’m in a safe place, I have meaningful work to do…  In this moment, everything is OK.”  When faced with a significant loss, we need to keep bringing ourselves back to the present moment over and over again. It is a simple practice, and also a very powerful one. 

The word surrender is often used here.  This is not surrender in the sense of giving up.  This is surrender to the truth (the reality) of the present moment.   [See previous blogs “The Truth of this Moment,” June 23, 2024, and Lessons of the Heart, Part 5: The Wisdom of Surrender, March 21, 2023 for further explanation.]

The first thing that came up for me when I got the news about the huge loss was a feeling of shock, and then fear welled up in me.  It took me a while to become fully conscious of what was going on inside me and to remember to do the practice.  My job is to acknowledge what I’m feeling: “Yes, fear is present now.”  Next, I can sit with it and make that fear the focal point of a meditation, asking myself “Where do I feel the fear in the body… What does it feel like… What is the thought stream that is fueling the fear?” 

Instead of trying to push the fear away, I can lean into it, get curious about it, and just allow it to be there.  This is called making friends with an emotion. The fear didn’t go away, but it did lose much of its grip on me.  I find it useful to regularly remind myself that fear is always in the future (“I’m afraid efforts to mitigate climate change will collapse.”)  

At the very beginning of the Dhamma Pada, the Buddha tells us that “the mind is the forerunner of all things; everything we experience, everything we do, is shaped first by the mind.” When we meditate or simply get a little quiet, we can make a practice of observing the mind and our emotions.  When we do this, we will see clearly that every time there is fear or anxiety present, if we look we will find some mental story, usually about a horrible future, that is creating the fear we experience.  These thoughts--these stories--produce the emotion we are experiencing and keep it going.  When we get good at noticing this, we can then recognize the mentally created story for what it is and drop it and come back to the present moment.  Try this out as a practice and see for yourself whether it is true. Notice the mind’s deeply ingrained habit of doing this over and over again. When we really get this, it is a very powerful tool for bringing us to a place of greater peace and happiness. 

Here is another practice I have found beneficial.  Instead of focusing exclusively on the loss, we can practice gratitude for what we DO have.  Don’t allow the loss to fill up your entire consciousness, like a toxic gas completely filling up a room and pushing everything else out.  I can make the “room” of my mind larger and more spacious by looking around me and noticing that my loss is not the only thing that exists in the universe.  I can choose to notice the beauty of the trees outside, a bird singing, the warmth and comfort of the wood stove, the croaking of frogs in the distance.  In this way, I can break the misperception that my problems are all that exist in the world—they are just a part of what exists.

Thich Nhat Hanh suggests yet another useful practice.  Often, we put conditions on our happiness.  We say to ourselves “I will be happy when I get a better or job,” or “I will be happy when the government finally gets serious about climate change.”  We lay down certain conditions that need to be fulfilled before we can be happy.  This just ensures that we will not be happy right now.  But Thich Nhat Hanh points out that happiness is always available to us—the beautiful blue sky above us, the companionship of a good friend, the sight of a young child playing joyfully in a pile of autumn leaves.  I have noticed that dogs, and children too, don’t need anything special to be happy and can be wonderful teachers for us. We can learn that we only have to be present to notice that we can be happy now.  (See previous blog, “Other Species as Our Teachers, February 20, 2023, for further discussion.)           

Sometimes loss involves disagreement and blame. When this is present, we can learn not to demonize those we disagree with or who have caused harm.  If I demonize someone, they are likely to fear and hate me, and will they stop listening. The Buddha taught that underneath it all, we are the same. We all want to be happy, to be safe, to have deep connections with others, and to love and be loved. At the deepest level, we all want the same things.  And we all have something called Buddha nature, which is the capacity to be kind, wise, and caring.  When I remember this, I suffer less.

Feelings of sadness, despair, and anger are likely to come in waves, with intervals of peace and happiness interspersed.  We need to be prepared for this and continue to do the practices that work for us each time.  Working through all this is a process and it takes time.  It cannot be forced to happen on our timetable.  But over time, we can learn to respond differently, and to suffer less from the losses that we experience.

 

                                            

Note:   My intention is to add new posts to the blog approximately every 2 to 3 weeks. If you would like to receive an e-mail notification each time a new blog post is made, please let me know and I will add you to the list of recipients. This notification will also include the title of the new post.  Some of the material that appears in this blog is copyrighted, but in keeping with the Buddha’s teaching that the dharma is not to be sold, the contents of this blog may be freely copied and given away, but not sold. 

            If you have questions, comments, or ideas for new Blog topics please contact Dale at ahimsaacres@gmail.com.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Loss is a part of life, and loss comes in many forms:  loss in an important election, loss of a job, loss of a loved one, loss of youthfulness, loss of health…  How do Buddhist teachings help us to not be overwhelmed and make our peace with loss?  This is on my mind today because of my recent experience of a shocking loss in the social order in this country.

Thich Nhat Hanh once said that “The hardest part of my practice is not falling into despair.”  When we look at the state of the world, I suspect that this is true for most of us.  But there are things we can do.  The first thing I did in this most recent loss was to say to myself:  “It is very important that I be completely determined to not let this event color everything my life and take the joy out of living.”  We have a choice here and there are practices that can help us.  The Dali Lama was once asked how he could be happy in face of the fact that the Chinese had murdered tens of thousands of Tibetans, destroyed countless Buddhist temples, and taken over the whole country.  He said, “They’ve taken nearly everything from us—should I give them my peace of mind, too?”

We can also recognize that suffering, and going over and over our complaints over what has happened or will happen does not help.  It does not help to change what is wrong with the world, and it certainly does not help the quality of my life to be doing this.  And suffering, complaining, and catastrophizing uses up enormous amounts of energy that could be put into doing something to improve things.  Taking positive action not only helps improve things but it also helps us to feel better. Do the things you actually can do and accept and let go of things you have no control over.

 

Total acceptance of what has happened and the reality of this moment is crucial. When I rail against other people or the universe “How can this have happened.  Things shouldn’t be this way, this is totally unfair” this is mentally resisting and denying what is real in this moment.  Accept it as though you had wished for it.  If you say, “I accept it, but I hate it,” this is not true acceptance.     Practice acceptance; say Yes” to the present moment… Is there anything wrong in the present moment?  Almost always, the answer to this question is “Well, no.  I have my health, meaningful connections with other people, adequate food, shelter, and heat, I’m in a safe place, I have meaningful work to do…”  Keep bringing myself back to the present moment over and over again. The word surrender is often used here:  Surrender to the truth (the reality) of the present moment.   [See previous blogs “The Truth of this Moment” June 23, 2024, and Lessons of the Heart, Part 5 : The Wisdom of Surrender         March 21, 2023 for further explanation.]

[Link some of the practices discussed here to previous blogs containing fuller explanations.]

 

The first thing that came up for me when I got the news about the huge loss was a feeling of shock and fear that welled up in me.  My job was to acknowledge it:  “Yes, fear is present now.”  Next I can sit with it and make that fear the focal point of a meditation, asking myself “Where do I feel the fear in the body… What does it feel like… What is the thought stream that is fueling the fear?  Instead of trying to push the fear away, I can lean into it, get curious about it, and just allow it to be there.  This is called making friends with an emotion. The fear didn’t go away, but it did lose much of its grip on me.  Practices for working with fear (“Fear is always in the future.”)  Instead of focusing exclusively on the loss, Practice gratitude for what you DO have.  Don’t allow the loss to fill up your entire consciousness, like a toxic gas completely filling up a room.  I can make the “room” of my mind larger and more spacious by looking around me and noticing that my loss is not the only thing that exists in the universe.  I can choose to notice the beauty of the colorful fall leaves outside, I child playing outside, the warmth and comfort of the wood stove, and the croaking of frogs in the distance.  In this way, I can break the perception that my problems are all that exist in the world—they are just a part of what exists.

·         Watch for negative fictional stories about the future:  “This bad thing is going to happen and that bad thing is going to happen.  Its going to be just terrible and its never going to get any better.” 

·         Feelings of sadness, despair, and anger are likely to come in waves, with intervals of peace and happiness interspersed.  We need to be prepared for this and continue to do the practices that work for us each time.  Working through all this is a process and it takes time.  It cannot be forced to happen on our timetable.

·         Take pleasure in small things.  Find image of dogs playing in leaves or something else for blog photo

 

·         Don’t put conditions on your happiness “I’ll be happy when…”

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·         Where the loss involves disagreement, don’t demonize those who disagree with you.  Underneath it all, we are the same and want the same things…  If I demonize someone, they stop listening

[930) words thus far]