Dealing with a Loss, Part 2

 

                Another layer for dealing with loss has to do with dealing with interactions to the loss from the world outside us.  This applies to all losses, and particularly losses having to do with major social events in an environment of extensive news media.  The Buddha had much to say about this, though large scale and pervasive news media did not exist in his time.

                In dealing with the part of loss that involves the social world, I believe that the most relevant Buddhist teachings fall under the umbrella of Mindful Consumption.   

Mindful Consumption is Thich Nhat Hanh’s deeper interpretation of what was traditionally called the Fifth Buddhist Precept in the teachings on Right Conduct, which says “Do not use intoxicants.”  Thich Nhat Hanh broadens our understanding of this guideline to rendering it as “Practice, and cultivate mindful consumption and ingestion.”  So drinking and eating are forms of “taking in” and so is the consumption of drugs.  We also take the following into our consciousness: visual images, words and ideas, music, games, movies, social interactions, and more.  All these forms of ingestion have a deep impact on us.

Every year, the Buddha took a three-month retreat from working in the outside world—teaching, establishing monasteries—to spend quiet time in reflection, meditation, and resting to restore his vital energy and maintain a healthy perspective on life.  Shorter retreats occurred regularly throughout the year as well.  The Buddha taught that we all need to do this.

We can go to a retreat center, but we can also create our own retreats alone at home, or with our like-minded friends.  In doing this, we pull back from worldly concerns, and choose both the quality and the quantity of the stimulation we take in.  This retreat from the world should not become total avoidance—we don’t hide our heads in the sand, but we do become selective with our attention.  We still need to know when there is something we can do to mitigate harm, and then do it.  

I have been declining to associate with the news media and people who exude high levels of negativity and fear since the time of a recent loss that has been in the media constantly.  I have now passed the two week point in this practice and it has been extremely helpful.  I intend to extend this period.  At this point, I do not know how long I will continue.  It can sometimes be difficult to determine how much I really need to know in order to be able to find constructive action to take.  I have also needed to be firm in not wanting to participate in negative and fear-driven conversations with friends and others.  Both of these things have been real game changers for me.

If you think of media posts as conversations with people, are these the kinds of conversations you want to be having?  Would you choose to spend time with these people?  They are alarmists, caught up in horror stories about the future, and not focused on what you can actually do to improve things.  Do they show you that a different way of responding to loss is possible?  Do they show you how to do it? 

Suppose you had friends and acquaintances that behaved like media journalists.  Imagine your reaction if they were with you through the loss of a loved one:  they are constantly bringing up problems that might happen in the future that are very frightening, they analyze and pick apart everything that led up to the loss, and have no ideas for relieving your suffering.  Most of us would simply not put up with this.  Of course, someone might say it is not the media’s job to be a supportive friend.  But couldn’t one of your neighbors nextdoor say the same thing of his negativity in response to your suffering—it’s not his job to take care of you emotionally?  But would that be a good reason to spend time hanging out with this neighbor? 

Does it make sense to choose to give many hours of our time to hanging out with our “neighbors” in the news media?  If we want to suffer less, we have to make the choice to severely limit our exposure to negativity. 

I have noticed that in many instances, the news is not even providing us with useful factual information.  A great deal of it is speculation, both about the future (“This may happen or that may happen”), and also speculation about the past (“We should have done such-and-such” or “If we had done this, then that wouldn’t have happened”).  The objective of all this just seems to be to keep us agitated, keep the soap opera going, and sell newspapers or air time.

When I do return to viewing news media online, I know I will have to be very disciplined.  I will need to make a strong commitment to continuously asking myself: “Is this item just fear driven speculation about the future?”  “Do I really need to know this?” “Does it provide me with any avenues for taking action to improve things?”  And I will also need to monitor my emotional state:  “Have I reached the point of too much exposure?”

Limiting what I take in must also be a priority in spending time with the people with whom I have direct personal contact—friends, acquaintances, neighbors, coworkers, and family members. This is another form of ingestion.  In the Dhammapada the Buddha advises us to avoid the company of the immature: 

“Be vigilant; guard your mind against negative thoughts.   …If you find a friend who is good, wise and loving, walk with him all the way and overcome all dangers.   If you cannot find a friend who is good, wise, and loving, walk alone…  It is better to be alone than to live with the immature.”  ---Chapter 23, Dhammapada        

This does not mean that we should shun others who are caught in negative thoughts. It simply means to limit our exposure, to “guard yourself” against negative influences.  We must pay attention to how the time spent with others impacts our emotional state and outlook on life, and then find ways to limit toxic exposure.  The Buddha called this Right Association, and it is an important accompaniment to the Eight-Fold Path. 

 

Note:   My intention is to add new posts to the blog approximately every 2 to 3 weeks. If you would like to receive an e-mail notification each time a new blog post is made, please let me know and I will add you to the list of recipients. This notification will also include the title of the new post.  Some of the material that appears in this blog is copyrighted, but in keeping with the Buddha’s teaching that the dharma is not to be sold, the contents of this blog may be freely copied and given away, but not sold. 

            If you have questions, comments, or ideas for new Blog topics please contact Dale at ahimsaacres@gmail.com.