Lessons from Prison, Part 3: Dealing with Life's Changes

 

 

I recently received another remarkable letter from a man I call “Jonathan” who has been corresponding with me from prison for about a year and a half now. He is 49 years old, and has thus far served ten years in prison.  He has thirteen more years to serve before release.  His circumstances are extreme compared to what most of us have to deal with, but I think there is much we can learn from how he has chosen to use Buddhist teachings to deal with adversity.

A month ago, Jonathan was abruptly notified that he was to be transferred from his Federal prison in California to a prison in Illinois.  This was a major change in his life and a huge shock. With no warning or explanation he was ripped away from his place, his friends, and a meaningful prison job that he had. He wrote to me about it.

“I was transferred at the beginning of March. It was very sudden and not at all welcomed. I had made a reasonably comfortable existence at the prison in California, but in the Federal Bureau of Prisons there is no certainty. I like to think of it as lessons in impermanence. My new facility is in Illinois. So, many, many miles from loved ones in Oregon.”

“The teachings in your blog of The “Don't Know” State of Mind is what I have been doing for the last couple of months. The last move I had years ago was awful, I had worked myself up, imagining what it would be like at my new spot, mostly conjuring up worst case scenarios about how awful things would be.”

“This time I made a conscious choice not to do that.  It just causes needless suffering based on many things that will very likely never happen. I told myself that this move was an opportunity to practice starting over. I didn't spend any time trying to imagine what the new place would be like. And I also reminded myself that there would almost certainly be things I liked better at the new place. There would be things that I would miss but I could let them go and be ok with it.”

 “The first few days were rough, but things have settled down and I'm able to relax into this place now. As it turns out, there is an active Buddhist group in prison consisting of six regulars plus a few irregulars.  This is by far the largest group of Buddhists I've encountered in prison!

 “I’ve noticed that my new location might also be easier for my Mom to come see me because she has a brother (my uncle) who lives two hours away who can pick her up from the airport, give her a place to stay, and take her to see me”

“I am staying grounded and looking for and finding ways to create meaning in my day to day living.”

Jonathan is doing a stellar job of using Buddhist teachings in a very difficult prison environment. Most of us have never been in prison, but we all face challenging changes in our lives on a regular basis.  The major takeaway for us from Jonathan’s experience should be that a very high percentage of our suffering is unnecessary and generated by our own minds.  But we can begin to notice the ways our minds are causing suffering, and when we do we can create new habits.  When Jonathan saw what his mind was doing, he noticed the following.

·         He needed to stop running mental movies--horror movies--about what his new situation would be like.  When we see our negative stories for what they are—fiction—they lose their grip on us.  They are just stories.

·         He needed to look for opportunities in his new situation and see it as a chance to start over fresh.

·         He realized he also needed to remind himself that there would almost certainly be things he would like better in the changed situation.

·         He saw the power of letting go of the things he left behind and being at peace with the inevitability of change.

·         And finally, he remembered the Buddhist teachings on the power of community and the need to seek out connection with likeminded others who would provide support in the effort to engage changes in life wisely.  In Jonathan’s situation, this was seeking to meet with an existing Buddhist group.

These are all the kind of things that we can do, too. 

The ancient Greek philosopher Heraclitus said that “you cannot step into the same river twice,” because the river is constantly changing and so are you.  Impermanence is also central to what the Buddha taught.  Everything changes: our bodies, our thoughts, our feelings, mountains are worn down, civilizations rise and fall.  In Buddhism, impermanence is not a theory.  It is seeing the impermanence in the world in every moment of our experience. 

We often think that impermanence is the cause of unhappiness, but really it is our inability to accept of the fact of impermanence—our continual wanting for things to remain the same—that causes our suffering.  Impermanence is absolutely central to the workings of life on this planet.  Without impermanence, Thich Nhat Hanh says “…life could not be.  Without impermanence, your daughter could not grow up into beautiful young lady.  Without impermanence, oppressive political regimes would never change.” [The Heart of the Buddha’s Teaching, p. 132]

If we embrace impermanence, it can be our cherished friend and our unnecessary suffering can finally leave us. That is the choice each of us has every single day.

 

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