Spillled Coffee

 

I’d like to begin this post with a story that has been around for quite a while and that nobody seems to know where it came from.  Here it is…   Imagine that you are holding a cup of coffee when someone bumps into you and you spill your coffee everywhere.  Someone asks you “Why did you spill coffee?”  Maybe you answer by saying “Because someone bumped into me.” But this is wrong.  You spilled coffee because there was coffee in your cup.  If there were mint tea in your cup, you would have spilled tea.  Whatever is in your cup is what will spill out.  

This is how your life operates, too.  When life comes along and pokes or shakes you, and poking will happen, whatever is inside of you will come pouring out.  It’s easy to pretend about ourselves, until we get rattled.  

So each of us has to ask ourselves, what is in my cup? When difficulties and frustrations come up, what spills out all over from me.  Rage? Accusations against others? Lashing out? Complaining about the world? Blaming others?  Or something more mindful and grounded? 

And If I don’t like the contents of my cup that keep spilling out and causing problems, what do I do about it?   There seem to be two parts to this issue.  The first part has to do with learning how to stop myself from spilling so often.  To be healthy, this needs to be done without trying to repress or “stuff down” anything I am thinking or feeling.  The second part has is to do working to change the nature/quality of the contents of my “cup” that come out when life gives me a hard “bump.”  When I’ve done some of this kind of work, then my spills are likely to be a spills of kindness, compassion, and wisdom. Imagine getting jostled and seeing kindness and cheerful optimism flooding out of your cup instead of bitterness and harsh words!  We all have the power to shift our inner contents from negative to positive.

The basic idea of the “spilling story” is the same in both parts:  When something difficult happens to us in life, we need to shift our habitual perspective and stop blaming outside forces and instead look inward.  This is crucial.  Let’s start with the first part of working on our spills and see what that looks like

                One of the most useful practices for reducing “toxic spills” is a three-step process I learned from one of Pema Chodron’s books.  The first step begins with being mindful enough to start  noticing when I am beginning to feel agitated and upset or churned up, and then to acknowledge to myself that this is happening and maybe saying silently to myself “I’m starting to feel really agitated right now.” 

                The second step is to find a way to prevent myself from acting out—yet again—my habit of responding negatively and doing something I will regret later.  It’s very unlikely that in this situation I will be able to come up with something that is wise, or clever, or “spiritually evolved” to do or say.  But fortunately, this is not necessary.  All I need to do is to do anything that is different from my usual variety of negative responses such as lashing out or blaming. 

My favorite practice when I feel myself getting upset and about to go off the rails is this.  I silently sing to myself a few bars from the theme song of Mr. Rogers’ Neighborhood: “It's a beautiful day in this neighborhood, beautiful day for a neighbor--would you be mine?  Could you be mine?” In doing this I am practicing choosing how to respond rather than just reacting out of habit energy.  Each time I do this I am strengthening my ability to choose how to respond.  I am also proving to myself that I can make a different choice.  This a huge step forward!   After a while, I notice that I am having fewer spills, and also that when I do spill it is less toxic than before.

                In doing this practice, choosing any behavior that is different from what you usually do will work, as long as it is not something violent or that makes the situation worse.  I used a simple and caring song from Fred Rogers.  Someone else might use a different song, a line from a poem, silently saying hello to a loved one, or silently saying a favorite short teaching from someone.  Also, it needs to emphasized, that this practice is not about repressing my emotions.  It is, rather, about feeling the emotion fully but learning a different way to respond to that emotion.

                And the third step is to repeat this process each time you are bumped and agitation is arising.  It is a practice, not a one-shot cure.

Over time, what is in the cup called Dale begins to change its character and each time my reactive habit is not acted out (or only acted out partially) it becomes weaker and weaker and I suffer (and others suffer) less and less.  When we stop watering the seeds of negativity inside us, the contents of our cup begin to change and life becomes easier and less painful.   

In general, practices that slow down the mind through basic calming and mindfulness meditations are going to help with toxic spills. Just sitting quietly and keeping our attention on the physical sensations of our own breathing or sounds arising in our environment is a very powerful practice. When the mind is not racing, we have a better chance of choosing a skillful response when someone bumps/jostles us.  Having a slower mind helps us to notice that a negative reaction is beginning to arise in us and this gives a window for making a better choice.  (See blog post of June 2, 2024 “Buddhist Meditation:  Principles and Practice.”)    

Once we have slowed the mind a bit and are noticing our negative reactions arising sooner, we can add the practice of silently acknowledging what is welling up in us.  We can say silently to ourselves “Hello resentment, I know you are there.”  This can be used as a very short “micro-meditation,” saying the first half of the phrase on the in-breath, and the second half on the out-breath. 

We want to practice learning to be just “be with” the emotions of anger, resentment, and the strong desire to lash out so that these feelings and impulses can just be allowed to be present in us but not dictating our responses—then we can consciously choose how to respond, or not to respond at all.  (See blog post of July 7, 2023 “Just Be with It.”)

And then there is the second basic approach: I can work to change the nature of the contents of my cup that is being spilled.  This means working on changing my present accumulation of perceptions, my world view and unconscious assumptions about myself and life on this planet, my habits and conditioned reactions, and making peace with my emotions and harmful desires.  This second area is the ongoing project of our self-transformation laid out in the Buddha’s comprehensive Eightfold Path.  There are explanations of the nature of this transformation and some practices to use to achieve it scattered throughout various places in the now almost sixty posts made to this blog.  In the book The Wisdom of the Buddha:  Using Mindfulness to Change Your Life there are several chapters devoted specifically to self-transformation—that is, to changing what is “in your cup.” (See Note 1 below for some suggestions.) 

The cup metaphor is a powerful device for gaining an immediate and intuitive understanding that when something difficult happens to us in life, we need to shift our perspective and stop blaming outside forces and instead look inward.  When we can learn to do this regularly, our lives can shift dramatically for the better.  

 

 

Note 1: Individual chapters or the entire book are available in electronic form free upon request at ahimsaacres@gmail.com.   Paperback and Kindle versions of the book are available from Amazon at https://www.amazon.com/Wisdom-Buddha-Using-Mindfulness-Change/dp/109680588X.  Chapters that are particularly useful in changing the contents of your “cup” include When Strong Emotions Arise; Breaking the Grip of Habits; Working with Harmful Desires; Cultivating the Ability to be Caring; Ending Arguments and Power Struggles; and Anxiety and Depression.

Note 2:   My intention is to add new posts to the blog approximately every 2 to 3 weeks. If you would like to receive an e-mail notification each time a new blog post is made, please let me know and I will add you to the list of recipients. This notification will also include the title of the new post.  Some of the material that appears in this blog is copyrighted, but in keeping with the Buddha’s teaching that the dharma is not to be sold, the contents of this blog may be freely copied and given away, but not sold. 

            If you have questions, comments, or ideas for new Blog topics please contact Dale at ahimsaacres@gmail.com.