Dealing with a Loss, Part 5

 

As I write this, America continues to be in a state of extreme political turmoil, and there is a good chance that things will get worse before they get better.  Dealing with this continues to be the major focus of my meditation practice and selfcare. I look to my own past experience and to more advanced teachers for help, and want to continue to offer to others what has been of help to me.  I know this is on the minds and hearts of many, many people. 

In a dharma talk, Thich Nhat Hanh tells a metaphorical story of a boat filled with people crossing the ocean. If they are caught in a storm and everyone panics, the boat will capsize and they will drown. But if there is even just one person in the boat who can remain grounded and calm, that person can inspire other people to be calm and to act as a team and save the boat from sinking.  Who is the person who can be calm and present in a crisis situation?  That person is you—it is up to you to be that person, and we all have the responsibility and capacity to do this.  “Practicing like this, you become an island of peace, of compassion, and you may inspire other people to do the same.” (Thich Nhat Hanh)

You can be an island of calmness and caring in any setting where you find yourself with other people:  your place of work, exercise gym, social group, a class you are taking, a political group, with neighbors, in grocery or other stores or businesses, in a church or temple, in a group watching a game being played…  These are the places where we must step up and be a positive influence either by speaking up, or being a good listener, offering to help in some way, or just being a grounding presence.

                In order to do this, you do not need to have any special knowledge or skills.  But it must be done without any energy of trying to force things to happen.  And it must come from a place of nonego, not from a place of “I’m special and I’m the boss” but rather “Let’s all work together and find solutions.”  And it must come from a place of caring about the welfare of everyone in the boat.

                Being an island of peace and an agent of change in a stormy sea is not complicated. For years, I have had on my refrigerator door four guiding principles from Angeles Arrien. Here they are, along with my own ideas about how they can guide us.

1.       Show up and be present.  This is the foundation for everything, and it means choosing to be there in an open, relaxed, receptive, and alert state.  We start from a stance of “beginner’s mind,” letting go of personal agendas and preconceptions about what is supposed to happen next.

2.       Pay attention to what has heart and meaning. Doing this involves getting in touch with the things that mean something to me and the things I have a genuine heart connection with, and also being in touch with these same sorts of feelings in the people I am presently with.  I let go of the need to be personally right or being the one who has to be in charge and other such petty concerns such as “getting my way” or “getting the credit.”

3.       Tell the truth without blame or judgement.  This can be hard, but even something difficult to hear can be taken in if it is clear that the speaker cares about the other person, wants what is best for them, and it not operating from a place of ego and superiority. In the long run, speaking truthfully is essential for building strong relationships and trust. 

4.       Don’t be attached to the outcome.  If I have to have a specific outcome in order to feel ok about things, If I view getting a specific outcome as nonnegotiable, I will suffer stress while trying to achieve it, and I will also suffer greatly when I fail to achieve it.  And so, in all likelihood, will the people around me.

The wiser alternative is to put my energy into action aimed at creating movement toward improving things. I then simply accept the fact that I do not have total control over the final outcome.  Approaching things in this way does not mean that I don’t care about what happens—I care profoundly.  But I have a preference for certain outcomes, recognizing what I have some control over and what I do not.

Robert Thurman, Professor of Buddhist Studies at Columbia University, uses a simple story that helps produce some additional insight.   He asks us to pretend that we are riding on a bus or train and some extraterrestrials come and zap the bus or train car so that all of us in the vehicle are going to be trapped together forever.  What would we do?  If someone is hungry, we feed them.  If someone is having an anxiety attack, we try to calm them down.  We probably won’t like or approve of everybody.   But we realize that we are going to be with these people forever, and that means we need to get along and care about each other. Our lives are linked. 

Our situation living on this Earth is precisely the same:  We are a random group of people who can’t leave the Earth for all our lives and who must learn to care for one another and get along.  And our efforts in this direction start where we are—in our homes, neighborhoods, and communities.   We stop seeing people in terms of “us and them,” because we realize it’s all us.

We waste enormous amounts of energy complaining and being outraged.  And, if we are honest, a huge part of our outrage about having to deal with people in the streets, a coup, or divisiveness is misplaced.  This is because when we consider both our history and the many torn places in the world today, we see that these things have happened frequently, and continue to happen frequently.  Why would we be exempt?  It happens.  It’s simply our turn.  When we realize this, we can stop wasting energy on complaining and mentally resisting (pushing away) the reality of the present moment and become that island of peace and agent for change.  

 

Note:   My intention is to add new posts to the blog approximately every 2 to 3 weeks. If you would like to receive an e-mail notification each time a new blog post is made, please let me know and I will add you to the list of recipients. This notification will also include the title of the new post.  Some of the material that appears in this blog is copyrighted, but in keeping with the Buddha’s teaching that the dharma is not to be sold, the contents of this blog may be freely copied and given away, but not sold. 

            If you have questions, comments, or ideas for new Blog topics please contact Dale at ahimsaacres@gmail.com.