The Deeper Purpose of Mindful Speech, Part I: Observing Our Speech

 

What is called Right Speech is one of the central components of the Eightfold Path laid out by the Buddha as his program to eliminate suffering.  Right Speech, more appropriately called Mindful Speech, has often been presented as a collection of rules for us to follow:  speak truthfully, do not speak cruelly, avoid exaggeration, speak charitably, and speak kindly.  While this has some value, this understanding is very superficial.

Instead of starting with a resolve to speak nothing but the truth, we will do better to start further back, with a resolve to notice how many times during the day we deviate from the truth, and to follow this up by asking why we did so.  Similarly with speaking with kindness.  We begin not by resolving never to speak an unkind word, but by watching our speech and noticing the specific instances where we have spoken unkindly.  In doing this we learn about ourselves and this puts us in a position to change ourselves.  This the first step, and it is a powerful tool for reducing the amount of suffering we create for ourselves and for others.  An additional second step will be taken up in Part II in the next post.

We begin the practice by observing our external speech—the words that we speak (or write) out into the world for others to hear. This observation is like holding up a mirror in order to reveal important information to me about myself. It provides me with information about my current beliefs, attitudes, values, and mental response patterns. This enables me to see things about myself that are causing suffering and that need to change. 

In doing this, I will quite likely see things about myself that I don’t like—this is good, and there is no need to judge myself harshly for what I see.  I just need to notice how what I am doing is causing suffering for myself and others.  Once this happens positive changes in myself can occur. 

Once I clearly see how my attitudes, beliefs, unconscious assumptions, are causing me suffering they begin to lose their power over me.  I can acknowledge their existence and then choose not to act on them.  Each time I do this, they become weaker.  This is the story of the hot coal.  Once I see the connection between my way of speaking and the suffering in my life, I find that my willingness to speak this way drops away.  This is just like the person who discovers that the pain in his hand is the result of his gripping a hot coal—once he sees he is the cause of his own pain, he spontaneously lets go of the coal.  (For a fuller explanation of the hot coal story, please see Blog Post #22 “Ending a Racing Mind and Getting Free of Harmful Desires,” June 9, 2023.)   

Let’s look at a specific example.  At a certain point in my life I noticed that my first response to hearing something was to look only for, and then to point out, inaccuracies and flaws in the reasoning in what was said to me.  I would say things like “That’s not true in all cases because…” or “That only seems true because it ignores the fact that…” or “The reasoning here is flawed because…”    What I was saying may have been true, but when I really started to look at it, it became clear that my attitude of looking only for defects was creating a lot of suffering. 

First, if I am constantly looking for what is wrong with everything and everyone, I will surely find it and the world will then seem like a horrible and depressing place to live.  This perception was a direct result of my tendency to see only what was wrong with things and not see what was good—I was essentially blinded from seeing what was good and right and real.  I was seeing only the fact that the glass was half empty, but not also seeing the fact that the glass was half full.  This made the world look like a terrible place.

Second, my focus on the negative had a tendency to drive people away from me and only attract into my life people who also saw only the defects. This took a lot of the joy out of life.  When I finally saw this, I realized that only seeing half of what was in the world was not “just being realistic” and was causing suffering. Seeing this caused me to drop my habit of perceiving only the negative—I dropped the hot coal.  

There are many such examples in our lives that our speech can reveal to us.  At one point in my life I suddenly noticed that I consistently referred to politicians as jerks, liars, evil, and monsters. I saw that I had a strong habit of judging and condemning politicians, and not seeing them fully as people just like me who want to be happy and who suffer as a result of their unskillful actions. When I paid attention to how I actually felt when I was speaking this way, I noticed that I was carrying around a load of anger, resentment, and hostility, and that this was a painful and toxic burden.  And of course, these feelings did not improve the behavior of politicians in the slightest.  This was useful information and made me determined not to do this anymore.

            Asking myself about my motivation for making these statements was also helpful.  Do I do this to feel smarter and superior to others?  Is it to impress other people with my clever put-downs of those in political office?  Was my motivation to connect with other people who are doing the same thing? Did I speak this way to distract myself from feeling the fear or anger that I have in me in connection with certain politicians’ behavior and policies? 

There is nothing wrong with the desire for connection, to be liked, or to not live in fear—but speaking in this way is a dysfunctional way of attempting to fulfill this desire.  It would be much better to connect with people in a more direct and positive way, and to deal with my fear of rogue politicians by acknowledging the fear and making peace with it though positive political action and meditation practices.

Another example:  I have witnessed many people whose habitual way of socializing and interacting with their friends consists of “sparring” with them, trading insults, or jabbing at them verbally as a way of being “funny” or “friendly.”  It would be useful to them to begin to consciously notice what they are doing and then ask themselves “Do I do this to keep people at an emotional distance because I’m uncomfortable with affection or intimacy?   What kinds of relationships does this tend to promote?  Is that what I really want?  When someone sees how this behavior is impacting their life, change then becomes possible. 

            After we gain some skill in observing our external speech, we can begin to observe our internal speech as well.   Internal speech is our unspoken “internal monologue,” “self-talk” or mental commentary on things.  Most people find it easiest to start by working with external speech.  However, internal speech, the speech that is not subjected to our mental “censor for social acceptability,” can be the most revealing of what is truly going on inside us. It can be a bit shocking and even painful to see this, but we can learn to look at it in an open and curious way.  

An example… Sometimes it seems that our silent habit of judgmental comments is endless:  “That was a stupid statement,”  “Mike really just doesn’t care about the environment at all,” “Sarah is really a spineless person,” “That’s really an ugly outfit that person is wearing.  How could anyone think it’s ok to go out in public dressed like that?”

When harsh judgments such as these arise in the mind, our job is to simply observe the words that come up.  It may be useful to gently and silently note them as “judgmental thoughts,” and then notice how I feel when these thoughts are present.  Do I do it to feel superior?  Does doing this put up a wall between myself and others?    How is doing this serving me, and how is it serving the world at large?  When I see clearly the suffering here, personal change can happen.

  In addition to judging others, we may also find ourselves thinking “That is so judgmental of me; I’m really a horrible person.” Then we can simply notice this new comment with curiosity, recognizing it as just another piece of our internal speech.  We may choose to silently note it as “self-judgment,” notice the useless suffering it causes, and over time watch our habit fade away. A simple silent acknowledgment of “Hello judgmental thoughts, I know you are there” and then smiling to them can be a powerful practice for loosening their grip on.

In Part II of this post:  Consciously making changes in our speech to further our self transformation; the role of deep listening in mindful speech.

 

 

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