"I Can't Change"

In the previous (March 16, 2024) post on Substance Teaching, it was stated that:

“A strong desire to engage life in a positive way is essential for a successful effort to change ourselves at the deepest level.  As one teacher once said, without this desire the car never gets out of the garage.  Of course the other essential ingredient for profound change is the belief that it is possible to change.  If I think I can’t change… then it will never happen for me.  How to work with this issue can be saved as a topic for another blog.”

I have known a great many such people who said they could not change. My father said “I can’t change--I’ve been this way all my life, it’s who I am.”  A friend in a practioners group once said “If you think we are ever going to get anywhere on the spiritual path you are kidding yourself; ten years from now we will all be sitting here talking about the same hang-ups and dysfunctions.”  And then there are the people who say “I have Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder; it’s a medical condition—there’s nothing I can do to change it.”

                The Buddha, of course, believed that we can change ourselves at a very fundamental level—and everything he taught was aimed at helping us change.  He also said “The mind is everything; what you think you become.”  If we examine how the mind works, we will discover how the mind creates the illusion that we cannot change—and when we see this for the illusion that it is, change then becomes possible.  There are a number of mental components or layers to this.

Let’s start with someone I’ll call Kim, a participant in a practioners group a number of years ago.  She had been diagnosed as clinically depressed by a therapist and one day was able to observe her thought stream during several meditations.  What she discovered was astonishing:  her mind had come to the view that being clinically depressed meant she couldn’t change—it’s a medical/physical condition.  Therefore, her mind was telling her, “since it is impossible for me to change I don’t have to try to do anything about it.  It also gives me a bullet-proof excuse for not having done anything with my life.”  

There was also the thought that “it makes me special” (not everyone can be clinically depressed, after all!). All of these ideas undermine any potential effort to change.  And lastly, there was the thought that “if I try I’ll just have one more failure to add to my list of failures and I’ll just feel worse than I do now.”    When she began seeing clearly how the mind was sabotaging any possibility for peace or happiness, change then became a real possibility.  The key to all of this is learning to catch these thoughts and mental stories as they arise and see them for what they are, and then acknowledge them each time they arise saying silently: “Hello unhelpful thoughts, I know that you are there.”

In talking to a good many people, frequently a very big part of not trying is fear of failing and/or being SEEN as a failure if something they do doesn’t go well.  Their mind then responds to this fear by telling them “don’t try and you’ll avoid failing.”  The mind then offers the option of “other people may be able to do this but I can’t.”  And if I CANNOT do it, then nobody can fault me for not trying.  Trying would simply be a fool’s errand.

The following is a very powerful practice for working with the fear of making a change.  Suppose I am wanting to start a serious exercise program.  When the fear around making this change comes up, I can choose to sit with the fear in meditation. My intention is to sit quietly with my eyes closed, breathe, and make the fear I’m feeling the focus of my attention.  I’m not trying to analyze the fear, figure it out, explain it, interpret it, or make it go away.  I notice where I feel fear in the body and notice the specific physical sensations of fear.

This is the beginning of making friends with the fear, and starting to feel ok about it being there and accepting its presence. I can acknowledge its presence by saying silently “Hello fear, I know you are there,” and smile to the fear.  I can check to see what the mental stories are that are present:  “I can’t possibly do this, I’ve never been able to do this, I’m not like the other people who do this…”  As I observe these thoughts I can remind myself that they are only thoughts in my head, not facts. 

The fact that the thoughts are there does not mean I have to believe any of them or act on them, or judge myself for the presence of the thoughts.  So now the fear is still there, but it hasn’t taken me over and I can make a conscious choice about how to act.  I can “feel the fear and do it anyway” and not be driven by the fear. 

If you are sitting there thinking “This sounds like a fantasy; I could never do that,” recognize the thought for what it is—a negative and defeatist apparition in your mind.  When I think things like this I need to remind myself that this is a practice—something that involves actions on my part.  I need to try  out this practice for working with fear for a period of time—actually do it—and then see what happens.  It has to go beyond just hearing the words.

I also always need to remind myself that fear is actually a precious messenger to be grateful for.  If am starting to get scared or wanting to back away, I need to take that as a signal that I am getting close to something really important—and I have an important opportunity to work at the level of where I am stuck in some dysfunctional pattern. 

                Lastly, it’s worth taking some time to examine a few common obstacles to our willingness to try for change. One such obstacle is the belief that If I change I won’t fit in any more with my friends (who in reality are probably just as dysfunctional and stuck as I am!).  In the beginning I may need to limit the time I spend with friends who share my dysfunction until I become strongly established in my new ways of responding to life.  I can also make new friends who will support me in my efforts to change—the Buddha called this right association.

                Complaining and negativity can actually be a dysfunctional form of socializing and bonding.  There was a circle of friends nearby that got together weekly to work on their knitting projects and complain about the world. They called their group Stitch and Bitch! They used to compete with each other and gain status in the group by seeing who could up with the most miserable story.  Not a helpful group to be in if you are truly interested in trying to do something about your misery.

We also sometimes say “I’ve been doing this too long to change.”  How long I’ve been doing something is irrelevant.    You may have smoked cigarettes for 30 years but it does not take 30 years to quit(it doesn’t take any more time than if you only smoked for 6 months)  The light may have been out in the attic for years but it only takes a second to turn it on

But, you may say “Ok, so maybe I actually can change a 30 year pattern but now’s not the right time to try to change because…”  But in truth, there’s always going to be some reason now is not a good time to do it:  I’m too busy, too stressed out, I need to get a better job first… it’s endless.  The simple truth is that NOW is the only time you CAN change.  The future and the past don’t exist—only now really exists and provides an arena for action.

If I’m really serious about change, I need to make it a top priority.  To do this I can use an idea from the business world called “pay yourself first.” If I’m trying to accumulate money in savings and my method is to buy whatever I want and then put what is left over into savings, there never will be anything leftover to go into savings.  To succeed I have to reverse this:  decide how much I want to save each month, put that money in the bank as soon as I get it, and use whatever is left over for purchases.  I make savings my top priority.  This works for anything.  If I want to have a regular meditation practice I put meditation first.  My attitude is “Before anything else happens each day I’m going to meditate; Whatever remaining time I have goes for other activities.”  

Changing yourself can be different for different people. Many people approach it in terms of making small changes a little bit at a time so it is not too difficult to do.  This works for a small number of people.  In my own experience, what works is making large radical changes all at once.  Once I see clearly that what I have been doing isn’t working, I just don’t want to do it at all anymore.  In many ways this is much easier than “tapering off.” 

If I’m trying to get off junk food, tapering off just maintains my taste for bad foods.  Not only that, if I start by reducing my 20 donuts a day habit by cutting back by 5% (one donut) I don’t notice any difference at all in how I’m feeling, and the same is true when I go to a 10% reduction two weeks later.  BUT…  If I cut out ALL the donuts I am eating and ALL of the other junk food as well, in 3 or 4 days I actually start to feel significantly better.  And I’m not constantly doing something that maintains my taste for bad food.  After my taste adjusts in 2 or 3 weeks, the new food actually begins to taste wonderful and I’ve got more energy!  Each time I make a positive change in life, it provides strong motivation to make other changes by breaking down my untrue belief that I can’t change.

People are typically in the habit of believing that they cannot change the suffering in their lives because they think the suffering is due to external circumstances and those externalities cannot be changed.  I can’t change the fact of climate change, or war, or my physical limitations.  But in fact, our suffering is almost always caused by our internal response to the external circumstances, and that’s something we have virtually total control over. I don’t control how others treat me; I do control how I respond to how I’m treated.  When we really get this, it is a total game changer!     (see Post #6:  The Deeper Purpose of Meditation, July 12, 2022.)

 

 

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            If you have questions, comments, or ideas for new Blog topics please contact Dale at ahimsaacres@gmail.com.