When Attempts to Control Go Off the Rails

Many of us recognize the presence of something called “control issues,” sometimes in ourselves and frequently in other people.  Some attempt at control in our lives is sensible:  buy insurance, get a Covid vaccination, eat healthy food, have savings for emergencies, and so on.  But many people seem to try to control almost everything…get a 100% on every test in school, keep their house spotless, create the perfect wedding for their daughter. Things go off the rails when there is a disproportionate need for control.  Our desire to control becomes obsessive.  Perfectionism and excessive attempts to control seem to go hand in hand.

                When we get quiet and just sit with our strong desire to control, we discover that excessive controlling is actually a form of suffering.  There is often strong tension in the body, and agitation in the mind.  There is constant anxiety, heightened vigilance, and worry.  We could take anti-anxiety medication, but that would dull the symptoms and generally make us numb.  Do Buddhist teachings have a better treatment?

                The first step, as always, is beginning to become more aware of what is actually going on. When we begin to explore this in meditation, we will notice that excessive attempts to control seem always to originate in fear, which is generated by the mind’s creation of terrifying stories about what might happen in the future.  The world is seen as an unpredictable and dangerous place.  The pervading fear is that something bad will happen: I will get sick, I will die, no one will like me, I’ll lose my job or income stream, people will find out I’m no good, marauding gangs will break into my house because of climate change, I’ll do something embarrassing or stupid…  Some of these things we fear are real, some are inconsequential, and some are farfetched possibilities.

Obsessive controlling often involves trying to control things that are not important (even trivial) just to help us feel like we have some control in our lives.  So, for example, if I can control my weight perfectly then I feel powerful and in control, and so maybe I can prevent myself from ever getting sick perfectly.  Much of this sort of thing operates at an unconscious level.]

This exaggerated need for control stems from fear, and the deep-seated and often unconscious belief that perfect control is possible, and that it can ensure safe passage through life.  But our minds keep telling us that bad things can happen (and sometimes they do) which fuels more attempts at control.

The following story, adapted from Zen teacher Charlotte Beck, is useful here.   Two pilots are caught in a violent hurricane.  The first pilot is alone in a small airplane and is frantically manipulating the controls in the plane to try to stay in the eye of the hurricane where it is safe—in the eye the sun is out and there is no wind.  All of his attention is on his control panel, even though he knows that ultimately he won’t survive the storm.  He has a very stressful and nerve-wracking ride until he crashes. 

The other pilot is alone in a glider.  He doesn’t have an engine and has very few controls.  He knows he has little ability to stay in the eye of the hurricane.  He knows that the storm will eventually end his life. Because he knows this, and fully accepts it, his attention is almost entirely on the wild ride and he enjoys the ride until the plane crashes and he is killed.  The glider pilot knows he isn’t able to control the final outcome, nor is he able to fully control the things that happen while flying.   But he is present for and open to the great adventure.  He experiences it all without complaint:  wonder, exhilaration, pain, joy, fear, and sadness. Just before he crashes he says “Wow!!!” in appreciation for the ride.

 This is a metaphor for our lives.  Sometimes we hit a little spot of quiet, of good feelings and things going our way.  Then we try to cling to it.  But we can’t hold on to the eye of a hurricane.  Can we learn to let go of frantically trying to control the things we cannot control?  And can we do the same thing for the things that we need not control?  If not, then obsession with control steals all our attention and we miss out on fully experiencing and appreciating the landscape, the ride, our life journey.  We may spend our life blaming other people, circumstances, or our bad luck and thinking about the way life should have been --without ever having lived fully.

                So what can we do?  First we must understand and fully accept our actual situation in life.  We live in a world that contains danger.  At some point, we will experience loss of property, money, our loved ones, mental and physical abilities, status.  And we will experience pain and difficulty, as well as our own dying and death.  We have some limited ability to influence what happens to us, but nothing can provide complete protection from these losses happening.  Just accepting the reality of our situation can provide a measure of peace.  We can practice silently saying “Yes” to the truth: “I say yes to the fact that I cannot control much of other people’s behavior;”  “I say yes to the fact that I will die some day;” “I say yes to…”  It’s not a problem if I prefer a certain outcome, but if I “have to have it and not having it is nonnegotiable,” then I will suffer.

                Second, we can spend some time observing how we are actually feeling at times when the drive to control is strong.  When we see that we are suffering, it makes it easier to let go of unwise attempts to control.  I can ask myself, is trying to control this particular thing worth the price I am paying in agitation, frustration, and worry?  This can also involve meditation to make peace with the fear that underlies being so controlling.  I can sit with the fear and simply observe it and how it feels in the body.  I can get comfortable with the presence of fear and learn that the fear can just be there without my needing to act on it or be swept away by it.  This ability can be cultivated through practice.

                A practice that we looked at in the previous blog post can also be used here. When I notice my excessive impulse to control and the accompanying tension, I can practice acknowledging what is present.  I can say silently to myself “Hello controlling impulse, I know that you are there.”  The first half of the sentence can be said silently on the in-breath, and the second half can be said on the out-breath.  The same type of practice can be done with the phrases “Aware of controlling impulse, I smile to controlling impulse,” and see if you can actually manage at least a small smile!

                Third, we can notice the mental stories our mind is telling us and remind ourselves that they are just stories, not facts.  “I lost my job” is a fact.  “I’ll never have another job I like” is a mentally created fictional story about the future.  “A neighbor was burglarized last week” may be a fact, but “The world is full of bad people” is not.  When I see that worrisome thoughts such as this are not facts, they lose their power over me.

                Fourth, we can realize that each time we choose not to act on the impulse to control, the weaker our habit of excessive controlling becomes.  The reverse is also true:  each time I act on an unwise attempt to control, the stronger my habit of compulsive controlling becomes.  This process always begins with mindfulness:  noticing the controlling impulse when it first arises.

                So yes, we cannot abandon all attempts at control.  But we can distinguish between stuff that might make a difference and that we CAN exercise SOME control over, as opposed to stuff that is small and makes little difference as well as stuff that we have little or no ability to control (such as how others see us, the weather, or who wins tomorrow’s professional football game).

 

 

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