Impatience

            We live in a very impatient society.  We are usually in a hurry when we drive, we become upset when our computers take longer to do something than we think they should, we finish other people’s sentences for them if they don’t talk fast enough, and we get frustrated or angry if we have to wait in line for any length of time.   Impatience actually causes us a lot of suffering.  Most of us would like to be more patient, and we certainly would like less suffering in our lives.  Can anything be done about it? Are you either born patient or you’re not, and that’s just the way things are?

Based on the teachings of the Buddha, I would say that impatience consists of not fully accepting the fact that I cannot have what I want when I want it.  It is a form of mental resistance to what is real, of saying “No” to the truth of my present situation.  

Patience, on the other hand, is the capacity to accept delay, difficulty, unmet desires and expectations without getting angry, resentful, or upset.  When patience is there, we accept not having what we want open-heartedly and as an inevitable part of life.  We embrace the truth of this moment as if we had wished for it

The Buddha said he only taught two things:  the nature of suffering, and freedom from suffering.  These are not two separate things.  When we understand the nature of suffering, we free ourselves from it. This is the first step—simply seeing what impatience consists of and how our impatience causes us to suffer.

When we are Impatient, we can sit with it in meditation and see for ourselves what it actually feels like and acknowledge that it is in fact suffering. We can also notice when impatience arises during out daily activities and notice the agitation and tension it causes in our bodies and in our minds. 

When impatience does arise in us, we can simply observe and acknowledge it’s presence by silently saying to ourselves “Hello impatience, I know you are there.”  If you have a few minutes, you can make this into a meditation practice, saying the first half of the phrase on the in-breath, and the second half on the out-breath.  You can then shift the phrases to “Aware of impatience, I smile to impatience,” and actually allow yourself to smile at it. Even if you do a cycle of only a single in-breath and out-breath, it can have great benefit. Try it! 

Another good practice here is to remind ourselves regularly of two things.  Our impatience and suffering does not help the situation in the slightest—it does not change the condition of the world in the least.  In addition, it spoils the quality of our life experience in the moments when that impatience is present.

We live in an entitlement culture—we think we are entitled to have what we want when we want it.  We have expectations—no one should ever cut me off on the freeway, the bank should never make mistakes regarding my accounts, no one should ever think I’m stupid.  These are all mental stories about what is supposed to happen.  When I am unhappy, is it because of what has actually happened (someone changed lanes on the freeway), or is it because of my mental story about what is supposed to happen (that no one should ever cut me off on the freeway)?

A Greek philosopher named Epictetus figured out the answer to this question some two thousand years ago.  He asked us to consider some examples, one of which was going to bathe in the local baths available at the time.  Back then, virtually no one had a private bath tub or shower.  No.  You went to a public bath, something that looked like a large swimming pool and you bathed with 20 or 30 other people at the same time.  Here is a paraphrase of what he said about it: 

 

When you are going to bathe, picture to yourself the things which usually happen in the bath: some people splashing water, others pushing against you, some using abusive language or yelling, and others perhaps stealing money from your clothing that you left poolside.  If you go to the bath demanding or expecting that none these of things happen, you will become impatient, exasperated, and upset with the people there—you will suffer. So you can either not go to the bath at all, or you can go knowing that splashing, cursing, etc. are an inevitable part of the bath experience and you say “yes” to it and fully accept it.  If you do the latter, you can have your bath and skip the unnecessary suffering.       (Enchiridion , section IV)

 

Likewise, if you expect never to be stuck in traffic, you will become impatient with the situation and suffer. If you accept that this is part of the driving experience, you will be patient and not suffer.  Similarly, if you do not expect people to always be concise and not digress, you will not get impatient with them and you will not suffer.  There is some real incentive to learn patience! 

As we become more mindful, we can learn to spot these stories and recognize them for what they are—pieces of mind-created fiction.  When we see this, the stories lose their power to create unnecessary suffering.

When we are impatient, this often leads to what Taoism calls forcing.  Forcing is ignoring the “lay of the land” and the flow of forces around you and trying to impose (force) your will on the situation.  It is looked at as a form of violence. 

I remember a moment of clear seeing when I was 8 or 10 years old.  My father was dragging a garden hose across the lawn and it caught on something. Instead of investigating what it was caught on, he began jerking the hose violently and yelled at the hose impatiently “Come on!  I don’t have time to screw around!”  In that moment the child that was me saw his impatience and that my father was causing his own suffering.  I also saw that he was trying to force the hose do what he wanted it to do, and to do it on his time table.  I couldn’t have articulated any of this at the time but I did see it with great clarity, and knew I didn’t want to be like that. 

I think we have all had experiences like this.  It can be a very useful practice to make it a point to notice the impatience that arises in others and the suffering it always causes.  Each time we see this clearly it reminds us of the futility of our own impatience and to let it go.  

Also worth a brief mention here is our tendency to try to control everything.  The more things we try to control, and the harder we try to control them, the more we create impatience and the more we suffer.  Learning to be less controlling is a big issue for many people and is best left for a future post. 

 

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            If you have questions, comments, or ideas for new Blog topics please contact Dale at ahimsaacres@gmail.com.