Lessons of the Heart, Part 4: Working with Fear

 

 

                The following is something I have a lot of emotional and mental energy around right now and so I want to write about it.  As a result, Part 2 of Taking the Next Steps After Meditation, has been postponed for a later post.  The following is what I really want to be sharing. 

                Two days ago, I went to see a surgeon who does minimally invasive heart surgery. I liked him, and was impressed with what he had to say.   About 10 minutes into the consultation it became clear to me that what he was telling me about my condition, and the treatments he was proposing for it, could NOT be done by means of minimally invasive surgery. When I realized this, I felt this sinking or “free falling” sensation in my stomach as well as a wave of tension in my in my back and neck.   

                We talked for another 45 minutes and toward the end of this time I was feeling a spontaneous shift arise inside me that maybe I could and should open myself to having open heart surgery, or sternotomy surgery as it is called, which involves sawing down the middle of the rib cage (the sternum) and prying the rib cage open to gain direct access to the heart.  Clearly, this is invasive in the extreme.  But maybe doing this really might be the best option for me.  This shift surprised me, and I noticed some relaxation in the body as I dropped my strong mental resistance (“I don’t want this!”) to the idea of doing it.

                That night I awoke around 1:30 am with my mind replaying parts of the day’s surgical consultation and thinking about what the surgery and recovery might be like(this had been explained to me).  I felt the presence of strong fear—fear of dying during or after surgery, fear of being cut open, fear of brain damage from the heart-lung machine, fear of complications or of making my condition worse.

                Fortunately, there were things from my previous Buddhist practice that arose and helped me.  I remembered to just allow the fear to be there, and didn’t feel like I needed to do something about it, make it go away, say it shouldn’t be there, or think there is something wrong with me for feeling it. I just allowed it to be there, and also noticed the thoughts about the future that my mind was producing that kept the fear going, thoughts such as “What if I wake up after surgery and I don’t remember anything” and “What if the surgery made my condition even worse” and so on.  I reminded myself that all of this was just a bunch of thoughts about the future and not reality.  And I paid attention to where the fear was in the body and what the actual physical sensations were—nothing too terrible that couldn’t just be allowed to be there.  All of this helped to make the presence of fear ok. 

                I remembered to breathe regularly, slowly, deeply, and smoothly.  I combined the mindful breathing with a stopping practice I had learned from Thich Nhat Hanh.  I acknowledged the presence of fear by saying silently to myself “Hello fear, I know that you are there.”  In saying this to myself, the first two words were on the in-breath and the remainder on the out-breath.  Just this simple acknowledgement of the presence of fear helped me to relax a bit with the fear and make it ok for it to be there.

                The next day, I also began using a practice for developing acceptance of what is real in the present moment.  When fear arose in me I repeated silently to myself:  “I say yes to the presence of fear.”  This also was coordinated with mindful breathing, and was useful in moving toward acceptance of my situation as it exists right now.  

                Then there was the simple practice of talking and sharing with others what I have been and am feeling, which helped to allow the fear to leave me.  This was a simple sharing of feelings, not catastrophising, complaining, or actively trying to make the fear go away. It’s also good for strengthening the bonds of friendship!

                 I have also found it useful to practice being grateful for all the blessings and gifts I have in my life right now: a comfortable home to live in, a loving life partner, friends, good food to eat, clean air and water,  living in an area of the world that has a hospitable climate. This helped to shift me away from being too absorbed in possible future difficulties.

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                As I write this last part of the post it is now three days later, and I haven’t felt fear for that length of time.  Is it gone for good?  I expect it will visit me again, probably fairly regularly in the coming months of decision making and then undergoing some medical procedure.  Dealing will fear, and other troubling emotions, will continue to be a part of my life’s work, but if I can remember to wisely respond to it, it will not occupy my mind and emotions full time.   

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                Two more days have passed.  Yesterday I talked to two cardiologists about heart surgery.  In the last 2 days I have noticed another spontaneous shift in my mind and emotions.  I have felt a sort of spontaneous “letting go” of my apprehension about, and mental resistance to (mentally “pushing  away”) open heart surgery.  This happened quite on its own without any orchestration on my part.  I no longer am resisting surgery (seeing it as something to avoid at all costs) and in fact seem to be embracing it and feeling that it is a good and positive thing that I actually want to do. 

                I think this has resulted both from being exposed to new information, but more importantly, from putting myself in a state that Zen Buddhism calls beginner’s mind. Being in beginner’s mind means approaching each new experience, each new consultation with doctors, from the perspective of someone who has dropped everything he thinks he knows and wants and is simply open to all possibilities, approaching each new event as though it is the very first time—I know nothing, I have no predetermined goals, and “Anything might be true.”  It is a state of curiosity and openness, and is also  called “Don’t-know mind.”   

                Beginner’s mind is in contrast to what is called expert’s mind, a state in which existing knowledge and desires can block taking in new information and perspectives. In my case I was in “expert” mode and thought I knew what type of treatment was best for me.   In the words of Zen master Shunryu Suzuki:  “In the beginner’s mind there are many possibilities, but in the expert’s mind there are few.”  This is because the expert thinks he already knows.   

 

 

Next post:  “Taking the Next Steps After Meditation, Part 2:  Using Mindful Speech as a Tool for Personal Change.”

 

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