Start from the Present Moment

 

 

 

The Buddha’s teachings are strongly focused on eliminating unnecessary suffering, and there is a lot of it to eliminate for all of us.  This suffering is generated by our unskillful responses to life.  One area where this occurs frequently is in our interactions with other people. 

When someone does something we don’t like we often respond by saying  “Why did you do that?  Why didn’t you do such-and-such?”  If someone says this to me, these questions are very likely to come across as essentially invitations to defend or justify myself.  This is usually followed by the other person then picking apart (criticizing) my defenses/justifications, followed in turn by more defense on my part.  We all know how this goes.  There is a very unpleasant and intense discussion in which nothing Is resolved and it never goes anywhere good.  It’s usually just a lot of back and forth arguing.  Sometimes the relationship is damaged.  When we actually see this clearly, we can learn to go about the whole thing in a different way. 

The simple instruction to start from where we are right in this moment can bring about dramatic changes in life.  The present moment is where our power lies because it is the only place where we can take action.  Criticizing or defending what was done is focusing on the past, which cannot be changed.  

In my own experience, this is what does work.  Suppose I forget to do something that I promised Sarah that I would do.  She says “You should have done what you said you would do.  Why didn’t you do it?  I don’t know if I can trust you anymore.”  What an opportunity for me to explain, defend myself, and begin a protracted argument!  But whether I go down this path or not is a choice.  Instead, I can listen carefully, and then say “I’m sorry my behavior disappointed you.  I don’t want to try to defend myself and I can’t change the past but I would like to make things right between us.  Let’s start from where we are right now.   Is there any thing I can do now to make this ok?  What would it take from me to heal the situation?” And then really listen without interrupting of defending. Asking and then listening show good will and tend to head off the possibility of creating a combative and futile argument.

Any time someone is endlessly complaining about some situation we have the possibility of turning things in a more productive direction by starting from where the situation is right now and suggesting, or asking for, solutions.  We can focus on the present moment and ask what needs to happen next?

I still remember an incident that took place when I was about twenty. While doing some repairs for my parents, I fell through their patio roof and landed on the concrete.  As I lay there in shock, bruised and scraped and with a chipped tooth, the first thing my father said to me was:  “How did that happen?”  This annoyed and hurt me greatly.  It doesn’t matter how this happened, the first order of business is to find out how badly I am hurt and do something about it.  The question to ask is “How can I help you right now?  What do you need?”

We often spend a lot of time and energy trying to establish blame and/or exactly what caused something to happen.  My falling through the roof, or how I managed to spill my breakfast of oatmeal on the counter.  Did you do this, or did you do that, to result in this mess?  It doesn’t matter.  Start from where you are—mess on the counter—and do what needs to be done now to take care of it. 

Many times, we will never know the cause.  Sonny Liston, a professional boxer from the 1960’s, was knocked out by another boxer.  When he woke up, a news reporter ran up to him and asked “Sonny, you’ve never been knocked out before--what happened?”  Sonny’s response?  “If I knew what happened it wouldn’t have happened.”  I could have said the same thing about the oatmeal on the counter or falling through the roof.

If you don’t like something that has happened, don’t bother complaining about it:  “I really don’t like how messy the house is; it’s horrible.”  Instead, either fix it yourself or figure out what you actually want and then ask for what you want:  “Would you please clean up the electrical fittings on the floor down stairs?”    

Establishing blame as a first priority when something bad happens takes place on a fairly regular basis.  But as Thich Nhat Hanh once observed, if the lettuces in your garden are not growing well, blaming the lettuces never helps.  Instead, we should look for what needs to be changed in the situation.  Perhaps the lettuces need more water, or less sun, or some compost added to the soil.  But blaming never helps.  What is true of lettuces is also true of people and their behavior.

The Buddhist Parable of the Arrow contains a similar teaching.  If a person is shot with a poison-tipped arrow, it makes no sense to spend our time trying to determine what kind of wood the arrow was made of, or how the person who shot it was able to approach undetected, or why the assassin attacked.  We need to start from where we are right now.  What is needed right now is taking of steps to save the wounded person’s life and prevent further attacks.  We need to stop the bleeding.  We need to summon a doctor, and so on.  We need to address the suffering in the situation that lies before us.

Doing a reset and starting over is enormously useful.  Recognizing that the present back-and-forth argument about what actually happened or was said, and who is to blame for it, is going nowhere.  We have the choice to drop this line of engagement, and focus on what is needed right now to resolve things.  What does the other person need right now to be at peace in this moment?  Maybe they need to feel heard.  Maybe they need an apology.  Maybe they just need a hug.  Maybe they need me to change my behavior or fix something. 

It is also important not to lose sight of what I might need in order to move ahead as well.  And, of course, the fact that I am asking someone what it would take to resolve things does not mean that I am necessarily going to do everything they want every time. 

And, like all practices, these suggestions only have value if you actually you use them!

 

 

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