Friendship

 

A former friend of mine that I’ll call Mark once said “My idea of friendship is something light and fun; I don’t want to be talking about deep feelings, or how the friendship is going.”  Probably a lot of people have this as an unconscious background assumption about friendships.  There is nothing wrong with having a pleasant time with friends, but if that is all it is, this is viewing other people essentially as entertainment.   When something inconvenient came up in my friendship with Mark, he wasn’t willing to put in the time to work through it and he terminated the friendship.  You could say he “changed channels” when the program got unpleasant.  But real friendship is not like this.

The Buddha placed great importance on friendship.  In the Dhammapada he said:

“If you find a friend who is good, wise and loving, walk with him all the way and overcome all dangers.  If you cannot find a friend who is good, wise, and loving, walk alone…  It is better to be alone than to live with the immature.” 

This does not mean that we should shun people who are not wise or loving, it simply means that we must recognize that such a person cannot be relied upon to be a trustworthy companion in a relationship of deep mutual support in our journey through life.  My former friend, Mark, would be a good example of such a person.

It is worth noting that the English word "friend" originates from the Old English word "freond," meaning "to love."  Giving and receiving love is definitely a central part of meaningful friendships.

Good friends are people who are willing to share themselves deeply, and also to be there for us when we need to share ourselves deeply.  A friend is someone who wants to know me as I am, who is curious and open and not argumentative or judgmental. Instead of “You don’t really feel that way, you shouldn’t feel that way, you’re wrong about that…” the attitude is one of “Tell me more about that; I really want to understand what you are feeling.”

Quality friendships are of the highest importance to me. I always make time for these kinds of friendships, no matter how “busy” I may think I am.

            Often when we say we are too busy to give our time to creating and maintaining friendships, we fail to recognize that whether a person has time to do something is determined by the choices that they make and their priorities.  So the reason I don’t have time to visit a friend in the hospital is because I have chosen to do something else with my time—perhaps complete my woodworking project or play video games. 

A good friend is someone who changes their plans and drops everything in order to be there for a friend who was injured in an accident.  This is what two friends of mine did when I left a message on their answering machine that my wife Sandy had a tree fall on her and break her leg.  They dropped whatever they were doing and arrived at the hospital before I did, and stayed with me through the surgery--more than eight hours altogether.

            Meaningful friendships need to be cultivated on an ongoing basis.  This takes both quality time spent together and a commitment to doing the work on the part of both parties in the friendship.  This includes making time to be there for friends in times of need, telling the truth, listening deeply, and being generous with time and other resources.  If you want to grow food in a vegetable garden, you need to pay regular attention to the plants—are they getting enough water and sun, does the soil need organic matter added to it, is it time to harvest yet, and so on.  A commitment to being there for the plants and noticing what they need is essential for success.  If the plants are not doing well, we don’t blame the plants and then cast them aside and move on.

Friendship, in the deeper sense, always involves being willing to take risks.  You are opening yourself to the possibility of being rejected or hurt.  But if you don’t take the risk, you miss out on having friendships with real depth.  And what is it are you risking anyway?  If someone isn’t interested in your idea of friendship, have you lost anything of real significance?

Friendship is the foundation of all worthwhile relationships whether it be parent and child, brothers and sisters, marriage, roommates...or anything else. 

People often believe that you have to start with small talk, meaning superficial stuff that nobody really cares about:  the weather, sports, complaining about traffic, and then eventually you get to deeper stuff.  But how are you ever going to get to know someone if this is how things go?  You have to make a leap, and share something personal or ask the other person something personal.  Otherwise, people stay exercise friends, or work friends, or bowling friends forever.  We’ve all seen and been involved in relationships like this. The only way people really get to know each other is by being real—sharing their real feelings, concerns, and thoughts with another person.

I like to start by being real in the first place, and see what comes back.  Sometimes the other person has been longing for something real and is sick of chatting and comes back with something real of their own.  What a wonderful turn of events!  And again, what’s the worst thing that could happen?  Is it really that bad?  Maybe the other person responds with an impersonal cliché?  I have always found the willingness to be direct and real to be one of the very most attractive qualities in another person.

Many people, including family members, are not willing to open to deep friendship.  It is frightening, they don’t know how to do it and, in some cases, they don’t even understand what it is.  We can try for more with them, but at some point, it becomes clear that they are not ready, and continuing to try just causes distress.  I have known a number of people like this—including most members of my family of origin.   These are people I can be friendly with, enjoy their company at a certain level, and we can help each other with small practical problems occasionally.  There is some degree of liking and familiarity present.  These relationships have value, but ultimately do not satisfy our deeper need for connection.

My mother was very outgoing and a great schmoozer.  She had hundreds of “friends.”  But did she really?  When my older brother came out as gay, she could not talk about it with a single one of her “friends.”  Most, if not all, of the people she called friends were very much like Mark, and so was my mother herself.

Real friendships are perhaps the most meaningful and reliable form of wealth.  In my own experience, what is needed for this is being open to friendships with a wide variety of people and not limiting ourselves because someone is not of the same age, gender, wealth, education, occupation, religion, politics, race or ethnicity.  And of course, in addition we must be willing to take the risk and do the work of cultivating friendships when the opportunity arises.

Note: The concept of friendship is closely related to the Buddha’s teachings on what is called Right Association.  See January 18, 2023 post “Who I Spend Time with Makes a Difference” at https://ahimsaacres.blogspot.com/2023/01/taking-next-steps-after-meditation-part.html      

 

 

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