Being with Someone Who Is Difficult

 

           Despite the title of this blog post, there really are not any difficult people—there are only people that I have difficulty relating to and being with.  To say that John is a difficult person is to place the problem in John.  This is unskillful because it tends to focus my efforts on changing John (which is usually what we try to do but are unsuccessful), and I have very little control over John.  The place I need to focus my attention is on changing how Dale responds to John, which is something that I have a great deal of control over, especially when I have learned how to observe my own mind and behavior.  If I can learn to choose to respond skillfully and not just react from habit and conditioning, my relationship with John will change even if John does not.

            This is a very big subject so it’s best here to focus on a few key ideas from Buddhist teachings.  One such practice involves reminding ourselves regularly not to make things that someone else does or says into some rigid personal identity or definition of who they are.  It is all too easy when my co-worker Jim doesn’t come to an appointment we made, to then make that action into “Jim is unreliable.”  It’s only one incident that has happened.  And even if there are multiple such incidents, it is still unskillful to make that into a definition of who he is.  He may have difficult keeping appointments but that is not the totality of who he is.  He may also be generous with his time and material resources and someone who can listen deeply and be supportive of you when it is needed.

            Another part of this same teaching is the aphorism “Nothing has ever happened.”  The first time I came across this I thought it was nonsense—lots of things have happened; we all know that.  But “Nothing has ever happened” is not intended as a description of the past. It a prescription for how we should approach every situation.  We can approach each interaction with another person as if nothing has every happened between us.  We completely drop all the baggage of past hurts, disagreements, and arguments and start all over again as if we have no history together.  None of the past gets dragged into the present interaction.

            This idea is found in Zen Buddhism under the name “beginners mind.”  Adopting the perspective of beginner’s mind means that we can choose to come to each experience in life fresh, as though we are seeing things for the very first time, with no mental preconceptions whatsoever about what is in front of us.  Very young children typically approach situations this way.  This does not mean that we never learn from past experience, it simply means that we are able to choose to enter this state of mind for periods of time as a useful tool.  And it is very useful in navigating a relationship with someone we have difficulty with.   (For more on beginner’s mind, see blog posts Lessons of the Heart, Part 4: Working with Fear, January 31, 2023, and Other Species as Teachers, February 20, 2023.) 

            A second type of practice for working in this area is to learn the skill of deep listening.  This means to learn to be fully present and listen without agenda.  So even if what the other person says is unfair or inaccurate or painful to hear, I don’t argue with it or defend myself, I stay present with the simple intention of understanding how the other person feels.   This is a skill that takes a lot of practice, and it will be easier in the beginning to hone this skill with people who are fairly easy to be with.  When I am attempting to do this under very difficult circumstances, it will be important to monitor carefully my own emotions and thought stream.  I need to notice when anger is arising and choose not to act on it.  I need to be mindful and notice when the impulse arises to lash out and then choose not to act on this impulse.  All this is possible but it takes a lot practice for it to feel natural and become the new default setting.  It’s worth the effort because it is a real game changer.

            There are meditation practices that can be very helpful for working constructively with difficult emotions in myself—anger, fear, emotional pain.  This involves learning a new way of being with our own emotions.  Frequently, when one of these emotions wells up strongly, we either vent explosively or we repress the emotion and stuff it down.  But there is a third way of experiencing these emotions which involves opening fully to feeling the anger (fear, pain…) and just allowing it to be there in a relaxed way without the presence of the emotion dictating our responses.  For a fuller explanation of this, see blog post “Meditations for Difficult Emotions,” September 28, 2023.

            Most people find it very difficult to be in the presence of someone who is surging with anger, or grief, or frustration.  What we are typically uncomfortable with is not what is going on outside of us, but rather the strong emotions that are arising within in us: fear, anger, emotional hurt, guilt.  Once we become more comfortable with those emotions being present in us it is much easier to be present with someone who is expressing strong feelings.

It’s also true that most of us have a limit to how long we can continue to listen deeply to someone and remain receptive and grounded. When things have gone on long enough that I can no longer listen effectively, it is important to skillfully end the interaction by saying something like “I’ve reached the end of my ability to listen carefully so let’s end this for now and maybe pick it up at another time.”  Wording it this way is important because I am taking responsibility for bringing the interaction to a close rather than implying that the other person has gone on too long and worn me out.  It is possible to do all this, and to love the other person at the same time.  

Lastly, we can learn to not take another person’s behavior personally, not taking it as something that they are doing specifically to me.  I can practice seeing their behavior as coming out of their pain, their ignorance, and their personal history that often has nothing to do with me. Their behavior can be viewed as a thunderstorm that rains on everyone and not just me.  It’s not about me, it’s about them.  

A useful tool here is to shift how I see what someone else says about me.  I can be insulted by Susan’s judgement of me—“Dale is such a rigid person”—or I can recognize that this comment is simply a report on the contents of someone else’s mind.  Susan is reporting that her mind contains the belief that “Dale is a rigid person.”  It’s really not about me, it’s about her.  And, of course, when I have clarity, I know that I have no control over the mental contents of other people’s minds.   Nonetheless, I still might also want to consider the possibility that Susan is right about me!  Maybe I need to consider making some changes.

Another useful practice here is to remind myself that underneath the surface we are all the same: we all experience anger, hurt, sadness, fear at various times.  We all have the “seeds” (the potential) in us to be kind, compassionate, generous, as well as the seeds of anger, greed, and violence.  The seeds that we water (cultivate) are the seeds that grow.  

Underneath it all, we all want the same things.  We want to be safe, have shelter, decent food and water and air, meaningful connections to others, be happy, have meaningful work to do, love and be loved.  Practicing calling this to mind removes a barrier between us, and helps us connect even with people that we normally find very difficult to be with.      

These practices provide powerful tools for improving even difficult relationships by working on ourselves rather than expending all of our energy trying (unsuccessfully) to change others.  “It is easier to put on soft slippers rather than carpet the whole world.”

 

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            If you have questions, comments, or ideas for new Blog topics please contact Dale at ahimsaacres@gmail.com.