Responding Unconditionally

 

In Chapter 1 of the Dhammapada the Buddha states that “For hatred can never put an end to hatred; love alone can.  This is an unalterable law.”

To some, this can seem like a nice sounding but empty cliché.  However, if we look deeper we will find something solid and practical.  Though we often think of love as a feeling,  the Buddha taught that love is an ability, the ability to act in ways that are truly caring toward others and toward ourselves.  This is different from liking someone or being “in love” with someone.  We can love someone we have just met, or someone whose actions we don’t approve of, or who is not a member of our family or religion or political party or nation.  We can still care about their wellbeing, and do what we can to relieve their suffering because we care about it.  If someone is hungry we can feed them, if they are anxious and agitated we can calm them with our caring presence.

And we need to care for people unconditionally.  I’ve always liked the explanation of unconditional love offered by the Chinese philosopher Confucious.  According to Confucius, a chung-tzu, or wise person, is not concerned with what can be gotten out of (extracted from) other people, but with how he or she may be of service to them.

The wise person’s attitude, manner, and behavior does not depend on what others are doing.  Many times, we only treat people with care, fairness, respect, and kindness IF they behave in a caring way toward us.  We will behave in a caring way on the condition that they care about us.  So if someone is sarcastic or unkind toward me, and I am sarcastic and unkind right back at them, I am allowing my behavior to be determined by how they are behaving. 

When I respond in this conditional manner I am allowing others to determine my behavior rather than consciously deciding for myself what is the best way to treat people and then acting accordingly.  Unconditional responding is consciously choosing how to act, and not allowing others to dictate the response.  Otherwise, I am simply being reactive—what the Buddha called being a “leaf in the wind,” being randomly blown this way and that way by external forces.  We simply react to things, like a pinball in a machine, and often deeply regret our unwise behavior and damaged relationships afterward.

But let us not misunderstand.  Treating people in a caring way no matter how they are behaving does not mean being passive and “nice,” and giving people whatever they want—turning ourselves into a “door mat” that people take advantage of. Some examples will help here. 

In her book, Lovingkindness, Buddhist vipassana teacher Sharon Salzberg tells the story of a time she was traveling by rickshaw in Calcutta with a friend.  At some point during the trip, they were attacked while in a back ally by a drunken man who tried to pull Sharon out of the rickshaw.  They managed to escape, but it was a terrifying experience.  When she told Munindra, her meditation teacher, about the experience he said to her “Oh, Sharon, with all the lovengkindness in your heart, you should have taken your umbrella and hit that man over the head with it!”  Munindra knew that treating people with kindness and compassion at all times did not mean allowing them to abuse you.  You can still act forcefully to protect yourself when necessary, but it is possible to do this without hatred or ill will and still care about the person you are hitting with your umbrella—and also not continuing to hit them after they no longer endanger you.

Many similar examples can be given here.  As a college teacher, I can be kind (care about your wellbeing and feelings) and still put a low grade on your philosophy paper.  I don’t have to get angry at you, dislike you, or think you are bad; I can still want what is best for you. 

An employer can fire an employee and still care about their wellbeing.  You might refuse to buy drugs, alcohol, or cigarettes for an addict, but do so in a compassionate state of mind, just as you might lovingly say “No” to a child’s demand for something harmful. 

During the flaming atheist days of my youth, I came across the same idea of unconditional responding in the teachings of Jesus.  Jesus said to “Love your enemies, bless them that curse you, do good to them that hate you.”  At that time, I quickly dismissed this as a piece of foolishness.  How could I possibly love people who want to harm me?  Love should be reserved for people who deserved to be loved because they were good and caring people.  And why should people be rewarded for bad behavior?

Only much later, after encountering Confucius, did I realize the true meaning of what Jesus was saying.  Jesus meant that we should love—care about—the wellbeing of even those who view us their enemy.  Feeling animosity toward those who don’t like us does not help them to become better people, and carrying around a load of animosity inside me certainly does not improve my life either.  Jesus meant that we ourselves should have no enemies (have no ill will toward anyone), and that we should try to help those who think ill of us.  And again, this does not mean that we should allow people who see us as enemies to abuse us.

Unconditional responding is a practice, not a theory.  It is quite a challenge to consciously decide how you want to treat others, and then do it regardless of how they are behaving toward you.  But… it can also be life changing.  Commit to trying it out for a day or a week or a month.  You may find that you never want to go back to the way things were before!

 

Note:   My intention is to add new posts to the blog approximately every 2 to 3 weeks. If you would like to receive an e-mail notification each time a new blog post is made, please let me know and I will add you to the list of recipients. This notification will also include the title of the new post.  Some of the material that appears in this blog is copyrighted, but in keeping with the Buddha’s teaching that the dharma is not to be sold, the contents of this blog may be freely copied and given away, but not sold. 

            If you have questions, comments, or ideas for new Blog topics please contact Dale at ahimsaacres@gmail.com.