Lessons of the Heart, Part VII: "Getting Back to Normal"

 

                I am coming to realize that I have an idea in my mind that is affecting my experience of life in a negative way.  After having spent a total  9 months healing first from sepsis and then from the open heart surgery that followed it, I realize I have lapsed into viewing my life now—which is filled with physical therapy, medical appointments, and medications—as a temporary state to wait out until my life gets back to normal. 

                When I now consciously look at it for the first time, I have been operating with the idea that “getting back to normal” means being cured of atrial fibrillation, completely regaining my physical strength and stamina, and getting completely off all medications except a baby aspirin per day as a blood thinner.  This way of operating tends to take me out of really fully enjoying (and being fully present for) my life as it is today.  I am waiting for a better future (as defined by me) to arrive so that “real life” can begin again.  There is this subtle sense of marking time until things get back to my mentally constructed idea of what is normal.

                This is not to say that I never enjoy things or feel at peace now, but there is definitely this undercurrent of “waiting” that alters my experience of the present moment. 

                I believe that we all have this tendency.  We say “Things will be right (I’ll be happy) when I lose 10 pounds (or gain 10 pounds. in my case), get the right job, find the right relationship…”   We put conditions on our peace, happiness, and contentment.  Something needs to happen, some condition needs to be met, before I can see things as being ok.  But I learned from reading Thich Nhat Hanh that the conditions for happiness are always present right now:  the feeling of the morning sun on my face, the gift of another day, the beauty of the trees rippling in the breeze, or the taste of this year’s first ripe raspberry from the garden.

                Sometimes in Buddhism the dysfunctual behavior I have been caught in is called “if-only mind.”   It can be very basic.  I’m sitting in meditation at a retreat center and the mind says “If only I had a more comfortable meditation cushion, I could meditate the way I’m supposed to.”  There always seems to be something that we do not have that must be in place before life just-as-it-is can be satisfactory. 

                Some of us may look at this and think, what’s wrong with striving to make things better?  There is nothing wrong with it unless our future goal takes us out of being fully present for our lives now.   Think of making a train trip to a city 500 miles away to visit a beloved family member.  On the trip I am thinking about how great it will be to spend time with family, fantasizing about all the things we can do together, counting down the miles and the time until I finally arrive.  We’ve all done something like this.  But when I focus so completely on my future destination, I may miss out on seeing some beautiful scenery along the way, miss out on having a meaningful conversation with another passenger,  notice the ever-changing rhythmic sound of the wheels on the tracks and the gentle swaying of the railroad car I am in, and much more.

                If I focus only on arriving at the destination, I miss out on the journey.  But  we can enjoy both the destination and also enjoy the moment-to-moment journey of getting there, even if the journey toward being a lawyer or getting to visit a relative is sometimes hard.  And suppose we never arrive at the destination, whether to visit a relative or become a lawyer?  Then all we have is the journey.  Why throw away the opportunity for happiness now when there is no need to?

                I have seen many of my students over the years fall into the trap of being focused only on the destination.  I once had a friend who had the intention to become a doctor. However, she hated the pre-medicine courses she took and had to force herself to study in order to get good grades so she would be accepted into medical school.  She then went through the same process in attending medical school and later her internship—finding the work uninteresting and boring, but enduring the work and “getting it over with” so she could become a doctor and then it would all be worth it. 

                Many years of “putting up with” and “getting through” the present moment were spent in hopes of becoming a doctor at which time her “real life will finally begin.”   But what happens if she flunks out of medical school or fails at her three year internship and never becomes a doctor?  Or what happens if she does become a doctor but hates it (which is what happened)?  All those years spent in the journey to becoming a doctor would then have been thrown away in the name of eventually reaching some destination in the future.  

                And what about my own situation?   There simply is no need to wait to be happy and at peace.  It is not wisdom for me to say “Things will finally be ok (acceptable) when all of my medical issues have been resolved,” because this would prevent me from really savoring the time of pursuing a journey toward health right now. 

                There is no real “normal” to get back to.  “Normal” is just something that we have decided is the way that things are supposed to be. “Normal” means what typically happens.   But in reality, what typically happens (what is “normal”) is an ever-changing  thing.  To pick a particular set of circumstances at a particular time and say that it is “normal” is foolishness.  It certainly is inconsistent with the Buddha’s teaching that everything is impermanent.  Climate change is a good example here.  What used to be “normal weather” has changed dramatically and will continue to do so.  We can and should do everything we can to prevent further harmful changes, but our weather will never get back, in our lifetimes, to what it typically was previously.

 

Note:   My intention is to add new posts to the blog approximately every 2 to 3 weeks. If you would like to receive an e-mail notification each time a new blog post is made, please let me know and I will add you to the list of recipients. This notification will also include the title of the new post.  Some of the material that appears in this blog is copyrighted, but in keeping with the Buddha’s teaching that the dharma is not to be sold, the contents of this blog may be freely copied and given away, but not sold. 

            If you have questions, comments, or ideas for new Blog topics please contact Dale at ahimsaacres@gmail.com.