Making Peace with Today’s World of Divisiveness, Part 1: Letting Go of Personal Identities and Looking for Where We Touch

                We seem to be divided over climate change, abortion, immigration policy, COVID, threats to democracy (and disagreement about which “side” is the real threat), racism, what should be taught in schools, and more.  Furthermore, in our disagreements there is often a lack of civility, respect  for others, and a willingness to listen deeply   Each of us tends to see those who disagree as evil and a threat to our well being and the well being of the country and the world. We seem unable to collaborate with those who disagree with us—the only option is to defeat them. 

                Primary loyalty is often to some subgroup of people—a political party, race or ethnicity, or a religion—rather than a commitment to what serves the best interests of everyone.  A growing number of people seem to be willing to use violence against those who disagree with them, which creates a climate of tension that we all have to live in.  How can we remain grounded and retain some sense of peace of mind in such an environment?  Buddhist teachings contain real help for us.  

Letting Go of Personal Identities

                The Buddha taught that letting go of ideas about personal identity can relieve our suffering.  A personal identity is a sort of definition of self, an idea of who I am as a person.  People can make a personal identity out of almost anything.  For example, I may define who I am by what I do to earn a living:  “I am a lawyer.”  I may define myself by my political affiliation, or a set of belief :  “I am an environmentalist.”  I may define myself as a “loser,” or a “very intelligent person,” or “old person,” “Italian,” “black man,” “traditionalist,” “radical,” or “nonconformist.”  And we tend to define other people in the same kinds of ways:  “My neighbor is a climate change denier.” 

                What we typically don’t see is that our mental creation of these identities is a choice.  Teaching, for example, is an activity I engage in from time to time, but I don’t have to define myself as “a teacher” and then start thinking I have to defend myself any time someone has something critical to say about people who teach.  (For a much fuller discussion of this, see Chapter 15: Ending Arguments and Power Struggles in Your Life, and Chapter 16: The Story of “Me:” Our False Idea of Who We Are in The Wisdom of the Buddha:  Using Mindfulness to Change Your Life.  Available for free in electronic form by request at ahimsaacres@gmail.com .)                          

                When we can break the habit of seeing people in terms of some definition of self constructed by our minds, we can get to know the actual person who is standing in front of us. We can learn to see the “enemy” as a full person instead of making a few disliked characteristics into the totality of who they are. 

                 I have a neighbor I’ll call Marvin who lives about a quarter mile up the gravel road on which we both live.  I don’t agree with Marvin’s views on politics, race, or climate change.  However, Marvin is more than those views.  He is also a kind and good neighbor who, without being asked, grades our shared road with his tractor.  He also has frequently volunteered the use of his house for neighborhood meetings to discuss dealing with neighborhood wildfire issues.  He will loan you his pickup truck if you need it, and he is a very good listener, friendly, and there to help when needed.  I like him.  When I see him more in his totality, I can no longer see him as “the enemy” or “an evil person.”  I become willing to understand his underlying perspective,  concerns, and fears. 

Looking for Where We Touch

                As a philosophy student in college I learned to look for the defects and flaws in philosophical views and their supporting reasoning.  I got good at it!  But I also acquired the habit of constantly looking for defects in everything, including people and where they were doing things the wrong way.  Of course I found plenty of actual defects in people, which in turn  made the world look like a very dismal place and it created separation between myself and other people (because we tend to see only what we are looking for).  As a result, I missed out on connecting with people with whom I could have had very deep and fulfilling friendships because they, in my opinion, did not have the right beliefs.  At some point, I came to realize what a huge loss this was, and that it was self-created and unnecessary.

                Instead where we differ and disagree, we can look for the places where we touch.  This means we can connect to people though the things that we share with them.  So perhaps someone may not share my political or religious views, but we both have a strong interest in growing organic food in our home gardens.  We may also share a very strong concern for the well being of young people who will inherit a very damaged world in which to try to live.  These are the places where we touch each other and these are the places where we can begin to connect.

                When we look at the deepest level and with full attention, we will see clearly that we all want the same things:  We want to be happy, we want not to suffer, we want to be safe, and we want to feel connected to others and loved.  Our disagreements reside not in our basic wants, but rather in how to bring into existence those basic things that we want: some people think that happiness and security comes from making a lot of money or having power, whiles others think it comes from being of service to others and making peace with our personal demons.  But when we look at what is underneath all this, we find that we are actually the same.

 

 

Next post: “Making Peace with Today’s World of Divisiveness, Part 2:  Developing Deep Understanding and Compassion”

 

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